Alice Doesn't Live Here
by CrlkSeasons
Summary: The Captain inevitably shows up in sickbay to visit an injured staff member. This story fills in for the sickbay visit to Tom that is missing from the episode, Alice. B'Elanna also plays an important role in the story.


Alice Doesn't Live Here

The swish of Voyager's mess hall doors went unnoticed in the general din of Alpha shift's designated lunch period. Kathryn Janeway stood in the doorway, scanning the yellow, red and blue-topped uniforms that filled the room. She was hunting for one particular combination of red and yellow shoulder bands.

On the other side of the mess hall, B'Elanna Torres, Voyager's Chief Engineer and temporary nurse, sat with Tom Paris at a table in a quiet corner. The fact that Tom had chosen to wear his uniform today did not bode well for his promise to pace himself during his recovery. He was so determined to put recent events behind him as quickly as possible. He'd told B'Elanna that he just wanted to get back to normal.

B'Elanna didn't waste her time pointing out that there was nothing normal about spending more than five years on a ship that was stranded halfway across the galaxy. Instead she kept careful watch over him and held firm to the Doctor's recovery regimen. Today she was making sure that Tom didn't overtax himself on this first trip outside his quarters since his traumatic experience with the rogue ship, Alice.

Kathryn Janeway spied the pair through a gap in the crowd. She could tell from the expression on B'Elana's face that the intensity of her guard over Tom had only slightly relaxed from the fierceness that had discouraged visitors from intruding in sickbay.

Injuries to the brain are among the most difficult to treat. Alice had used her neural link to invade Tom's biological systems in an attempt to link the two of them permanently. Much delicate work had been needed to repair the damage left when they severed Tom's link to the predatory ship that he had chosen to call 'Alice'. The Doctor had been even snippier than usual, which was an indication of his level of concern.

Since Tom's discharge from sickbay, he had continued his recovery, although progress was slower than he would have liked. B'Elanna proved to be the perfect nurse, making sure that Tom rested when he was supposed to. The Doctor was delighted with B'Elanna's success and suggested adding 'Post Operative Nurse' to her list of duties. B'Elanna's response to this suggestion hadn't made it into the official record.

From her position near the doors, Kathryn planned her approach. She made a detour to Neelix's counter rather than crossing immediately to Tom and B'Elanna's table.

At his counter, Neelix was holding court behind numerous bowls of edibles and one alarmingly tall pyramid of fruit. A musky odor that held undertones of wet leaves hung in the air around him. "Captain, always a pleasure to see you," Neelix chirped brightly. "What can I get for you? Some Bleyog soup, perhaps, smooth, yet oh so tangy? Or maybe you'd prefer a salad? I have a wonderful assortment of fresh leaves today. Just look at these beautiful, chartreuse shades. They go so well with the late sprouting bulbs I was able to get from the hydroponics bay. The chewy spiciness of the bulbs perfectly offsets the crispy bitterness of the leaves," he informed her.

Kathryn realized that the pungent odor was coming from the bowl that held Neelix's 'salad'. The odor was not completely unpleasant. It was just hard to work up an appetite for something that reminded her so much of her dog, Molly, after a day's romp through the woods. "Just my usual coffee, Neelix," she told him.

"Are you sure, Captain? It would only take me a minute to whip up something else for you."

"Coffee, Neelix," she insisted.

"Very well," he answered, accepting defeat. "But you really should eat more," he added as he poured her a cup of his much improved coffee brew.

"I'll have something later. I promise." The Captain said when she saw his shoulders slump sadly. "Right now I have something more important to attend to." She tilted her head in the general direction of Tom and B'Elanna.

Neelix nodded his understanding. "Of course, Captain. But if you change you mind…"

"I'll be sure to let you know," the Captain finished for him. She inhaled the satisfying aroma rising from her mug and took a fortifying sip before working her way across the room toward Tom and B'Elanna, smiling and greeting crewmembers along the way.

"Captain," B'Elanna greeted Kathryn as she approached their table. In announcing Kathryn's arrival B'Elanna alerted Tom to the fact that the Captain was nearby.

"May I join you?" the Captain asked, closing the final gap between them. She directed her question to B'Elanna, the keeper of the gate, and one of the few among her crew who would ever say 'no' to such a request. She pressed one hand onto Tom's shoulder to keep him from getting up and to keep him from responding before B'Elanna came to a decision. Kathryn stood waiting patiently, one hand wrapped around the warmth of her mug, the other resting on Tom's shoulder.

B'Elanna raised her eyes to meet the Captain's and considered her answer - without prejudice. Her relationship with the Captain had thawed considerably since B'Elanna's quest to face some of her unresolved questions about her relationship with her mother and her Klingon honor. She was sure that she could trust the Captain to keep Tom from getting too tired. During the early stages of his recovery, the Captain had set an example for the rest of the crew by limiting herself to medical updates from the Doctor and messages of support sent through B'Elanna.

"Of course," B'Elanna told the Captain politely. "We were just having lunch. It's Tom's first meal outside his quarters since his release from sickbay."

Kathryn slipped around Tom to occupy the empty chair beside B'Elanna.

"B'Elanna finally let me come to the mess hall, on condition that I sit still and not try to get Neelix to make me a pizza." Tom complained lightly, just to keep in practice. He smiled affectionately at B'Elanna in contrast to his words.

"Actually, Captain, I promised Tom that he could have a pizza in a day or two if he takes it easy and eats healthy food."

Tom smiled at B'Elanna again and teased, "I'm staying off my feet. I've eaten all my vegetables." He peered suspiciously at the remnants of the food on his plate. "At least I think those were vegetables. I should be ready for that pizza any time now," he finished brightly.

"I'm sure you will," the Captain assured him. She matched his bantering tone, taking advantage of this opportunity to show the rest of the crew that Tom was in her good graces and that nothing from the last couple of weeks had in any way damaged his standing in his Captain's eyes. Sometimes Kathryn felt that she, and the rest of her senior staff, didn't live their lives on the ship as much as they acted roles in front of an ever-present, ever-curious audience.

"Speaking of food, Captain. How come _you_ aren't eating?" Tom asked.

The Captain held up her hand to ward off that topic. There were some sacrifices a Captain shouldn't have to make for her crew. "I'm fine. I just wanted to see how you were doing."

"I don't know," Tom drawled, stretching out the words. "It seems to me that I remember someone promising to take care of herself." He looked meaningfully at the Captain. "And it seems to me that the mess hall is the perfect place to set a good example for the crew."

"All right, all right," she conceded. "I'll get Neelix to bring me something, later."

"That's great, Captain. I'm sure that he'll be happy to do that for you right now." Tom turned in his chair and called across the room before she could stop him. "Neelix!" Neelix looked over at the sound of Tom's voice and hurried over when he saw Tom gesture toward the Captain.

"What can I do for you, Captain?" Neelix asked.

Tom looked expectantly at the Captain, not quite ready to press his luck by ordering for her, but not letting her off the hook either.

"Mr. Neelix," she said, glaring at Tom. "I wonder if I could trouble you for some of the delicious soup that you mentioned earlier?"

"Of course, Captain," Neelix answered her. "Coming right up! Anything else I can get for either of you, Tom? B'Elanna?"

"I think Tom would like some more vegetables," the Captain said sweetly.

"Uh, really, I think I've had enough," Tom protested.

"Actually, Tom," B'Elanna spoke up, "some more of those vegetables would probably be a good idea."

Tom stared at her in surprise at this apparent betrayal as Neelix hurried off to fill their orders.

The Captain took advantage of this momentary break in the conversation to ask, "B'Elanna, I wonder if I might have some time to talk with Tom, alone?"

B'Elanna looked Tom over appraisingly.

"I promise I won't let him overdo things," Kathryn assured her.

B'Elanna gave Tom one last, measuring look. Then she started to her feet, reaching across the table to touch Tom's hand to restrain him from getting up with his almost instinctive manners. "I have some business in Engineering. Comm me when you're done and wait for me to walk you back to your quarters," she admonished him. Then she bent down to whisper in his ear. "Some extra vegetables are a small price to pay to let the Captain even the score with you for forcing her to eat Neelix's soup. Behave yourself and don't get into any more trouble!" He smiled at her words. "Be sure to eat up!" She exhorted him in a louder voice. He risked making a face in her direction. She only smiled and squeezed his shoulder before leaving.

"I was surprised that the Doctor let me go back to my quarters as soon as he did. I'm glad though." Tom confided to the Captain as she slid over into the chair B'Elanna had just vacated. "B'Elanna's doing a great job looking after me. She's a much better nurse than she lets on."

"I'm glad too," the Captain said. "It is good that you and B'Elanna are getting some time alone together. That doesn't happen very often here on Voyager. When B'Elanna awoke from her vision of the barge from the Klingon afterlife, the two of you didn't get the time alone that you should have had. On this ship, there always seems to be someone else around," she noted thoughtfully.

Kathryn couldn't help but feel guilty that she had been the one who was closest to B'Elanna when she woke up, the one B'Elanna had touched first when she reached out. Kathryn hadn't stepped back to provide an opening for Tom either. It had felt so good to be back on good terms with B'Elanna and it had been so long since she had been able to get that close to anyone. She couldn't even remember the last time that she had hugged someone. It must have been back when Kes left the ship – that long ago.

"You know how it is, Captain." Tom said, interrupting her thoughts. "It's a small ship. Everyone knows everybody else's business. People care. It's kind of hard to shut them out."

"I understand," the Captain said. "But, it must be difficult for both of you to develop your relationship if every time you try to get closer to each other, someone else is there in the middle."

"Sometimes it does feel like we're living in one of those Valaran fish tanks," he admitted. "Or with our in-laws," he joked.

"Maybe it does," the Captain agreed, smiling at his turn of phrase. "But I do want the two of you to be able to have a personal life."

"B'Elanna and I are fine," he said firmly. He and B'Elanna had patched the damage he had done to their relationship while he was under Alice's influence. He had no intention of letting anything rock the boat now.

The Captain nodded, seeming to accept his assurance. Privately though, she wasn't so sure that he was right. Tom and B'Elanna had been a couple for about two years now and their relationship seemed to have stalled. She couldn't help but think that the fishbowl existence here on Voyager had something to do with that. "I'm still glad that you and B'Elanna have had some privacy these past few days," she told Tom.

Just then Neelix arrived to deliver their orders. "Here we are. One bowl of Bleyog soup," he said, depositing a bowl of glutinous soup in front of the Captain. "And one plate of nutritious and delicious vegetables," he said as he placed a serving of the assorted blobs called vegetables in front of Tom. Neelix smiled in satisfaction at getting two such difficult customers to enjoy his daily specials.

Tom picked up his fork and snagged a mouthful from the unappealing pile on his plate. If he had to eat more of the stuff, it was better to get it over with in large bites rather than dragging it out a little at a time. He chewed carefully and pushed the food down his throat. He forced an artificial smile on his face and looked up at Neelix. Then, as one, Tom and Neelix turned their heads to stare expectantly at the Captain and her soup.

Kathryn gamely picked up her spoon and took a sip of soup. She did somewhat better than Tom at pretending to appreciate the flavor. Neelix nodded in satisfaction and returned to his kitchen.

Kathryn raised an eyebrow at Tom. He got the message and ate another bite of his lunch. After he swallowed, he waited for her to take a turn. She did her duty. They kept up this unappetizing contest for a while, matching spoon for fork.

Finally the Captain interrupted their food duel. "You look a lot better now, Tom. You were in bad shape when you first got to sickbay. From what the Doctor told me, the neural interface that connected you to Alice had some very painful side effects."

"It's kind of hard to explain. I don't know if 'painful' really describes it." He retreated from a memory that was still too fresh. "But I'm feeling much better now," he was quick to say.

Kathryn recognized his attempt to deflect her concern. She had used the same tactics herself often enough. "Still, it can't have been easy to have that ship linked to your mind," she said, probing further.

Tom had tried to distract the Captain's attention away from this topic with his food strategy. He winced when he saw that she wasn't going to give up and let go. He pushed a lump of food around his plate with his fork. "It was so strange," he said, feeling his way back. "It was me and yet not me all at the same time, you know?" he asked, searching her face for a sign of understanding."

She nodded for him to continue.

"In a way, it was like having a whole other person inside my head," he explained, rubbing his fingers across his forehead. "I had someone in there to talk to who was interested in all the things that _I_ care about, someone who liked all the same things that I do. But this is the hard part, Captain. It wasn't only Alice there. _I_ was there too, thinking those things, doing what I did."

Kathryn examined Tom closely. She saw the whiteness on the knuckles of his fingers, clenched around his fork. She noted the tightening of the muscles along his jaw and around his eyes as he struggled to hold his feelings in check. She had been afraid that he would react this way, that he would feel responsible for what Alice had manipulated him into doing.. It was one of the reasons that she had decided to have this conversation today. Maybe it was the reason that B"Elanna had agreed to leave her alone with Tom. B'Elanna knew better than anyone else what had gone on inside Tom's head during his link with Alice.

"You know," she said, "when we tried to question Abbadon, the trader who sold Alice to us, it reactivated his residual link to her, which resulted in massive Brain damage. 'Alice' almost killed him. I read the report that the Doctor wrote about you. He said that Alice's link to you caused serious damage to your neural pathways as well."

"Yeah, Alice could be pretty pushy." Tom smiled grimly at the understatement. He searched for words that he could use to explain an experience that unsettled him because it tapped into emotions that ran deeper than he liked to admit. "When Alice tried to hurt B'Elanna, it was like a jolt of plasma hit my brain. I knew then just how dangerous Alice was, how much she could hurt B'Elanna, how much she could hurt everyone. I tried to get to Sickbay. But she kept after me, pounding me with her arguments. Then she did something else inside my head. Doc could probably explain what it was. All I know was how much it hurt. I tried to keep going, but the pain got stronger and deeper. At that moment I would have done anything Alice told me to do just to make it stop."

Tom's voice trailed off and he stared past the Captain, lost for the moment in the unpleasantness of the memory. For him, there was so much more to it than just those last few hours. The Captain had no way of knowing what it was like to let yourself become Alice's puppet, tied to her strings. By the time he realized what was happening, it was too late. Alice had morphed from a pleasant pastime into a nightmarish reality. There was no escape.

Except, strings are fragile things, aren't they? So how the hell could he let such a thing happen to him? Why didn't he get away from her while he still had the chance? That gnawed at him. That and the nagging questions about what it really was that had drawn him to Alice in the first place. What kind of flaw was there inside him that made him such easy prey for a creature like that? What was wrong with him that his very thoughts provided fodder for her? Was Alice right when she said that they belonged together? Was that really why he didn't break free from her?

"Are you familiar with the mind control techniques used by the Cardassians, Tom?" he heard the Captain ask.

Tom blinked in surprise at this unexpected twist in the conversation. All he could think to say was, "I thought Cardassians got all they wanted out of their prisoners with basic, old-fashioned torture."

"Oh, they're masters at using multiple techniques of torture on prisoners … like your father." She planted that seed, but left it for another day. "I learned a lot about their methods from the information available in the Federation data banks. Not all the methods are crude. With some higher-ranking prisoners, they try to subvert the captives so they can then make use of them for their own purposes. They begin subtly, with something as simple as how many lights or colors there are in a room. Once they gain a point of entry, they are able to intrude further and further into the person's psyche until they establish full control. It's a most effective technique. Do you recognize it?"

Tom pushed back in his chair, putting distance between himself and this offer of a way out. It was one that he wasn't ready to accept yet.

"Captain, this wasn't the same."

Kathryn wouldn't let him dismiss her point so easily. She pressed on. "True," she began. "Not many Cardassians climb right inside your head with you. Yet by the time they are finished, their victims will say and do whatever they are told, often believing that they are acting of their own free will." She stared intently at Tom, determined not to let him reject her argument out of hand. "Tom, don't feel guilty because of what Alice did to you. You're not responsible for how she twisted what you think and feel for her own purposes."

Kathryn had made that very point in her official report. Tom had been doing so well. He was so close to regaining his lost rank. She didn't want to have any questions left hanging about recent events being any kind of set back.

"Maybe," Tom said, shaking his head doubtfully. "I guess," he conceded, half shrugging his shoulders. "I'll try to give it some more thought," he promised, letting himself inch forward in his chair again.

Knowing her chief pilot, Kathryn knew that Tom would have to come to terms with what had happened in his own way. For someone so willing to help others, he could dig in his heels deeper than almost anyone she knew to avoid accepting help in return. In some ways Tom more than matched B'Elanna in stubbornness – time for a diversion of her own, one that would benefit Tom _and_ the ship.

When you're up to it," she began again, "I'd like your help to make sure that nothing like this happens again - to you or to anyone else on the ship."

"What did you have in mind?" he asked, glad to talk about something else.

I understand that you did the required scans and analysis of Alice's systems before initiating the neural link with her."

"That's right," he confirmed. "I scanned all the systems and programs on the ship."

"And?"

He thought back to his initial introduction to Alice, when she was just a ship with a few interesting systems. "There wasn't any sign of a problem, Captain." And that was true - in the beginning. "At that point there was nothing to indicate danger," he continued, "at least nothing that I could find. Seven did offer to run a scan of her own later on. But, by then I had already linked with the ship and Alice was against the idea," he admitted sheepishly.

"So you followed the prescribed protocols and they didn't protect you."

"I guess you could say that."

Kathryn let that point sink in for a moment. Then she went on. "When mistakes happen, Starfleet reviews the relevant protocols to see what can be done to avoid a repetition of those mistakes. In this case, our safety procedures turned out to be inadequate. I want you to use what you've learned from your experience with Alice to revise our protocols."

"You want _me_ to make rules?" he asked incredulously.

"I think you're the best person for the job. You look at rules critically. You learn from mistakes. You really don't make the same mistake twice, you know."

"When you make mistakes as big as mine, once is enough."

"Don't joke, Tom. I was paying you a compliment."

"Sorry, Captain," he apologized, "force of habit."

"I can't think of anyone who is better qualified to develop a new set of rules for interfacing with the neural components on ships - rules that will be practical and to the point. In other words, rules that will be worth following."

"I'll get to work on it right away," Tom offered. It was almost a relief to have something to do.

Kathryn shook her head. She couldn't see either B'Elanna _or_ the Doctor agreeing to Tom taking on even this much work just yet. "Later on will be fine. Right now there are still some vegetables on your plate that need your attention."

"I think I've had enough," Tom said in a voice that indicated that he really had as much of them as he could take. There was a hint of weariness in his eyes that told her that he had spent enough time away from his quarters as well. It was time to wind down their conversation.

"We'll say we're even then?" the Captain asked.

Tom's love of competition wouldn't allow him to let her off that easily. "I wouldn't say even, Captain. You still have half of your soup left. You were taking small sips," he countered.

"I'll have two more spoonfuls," she offered.

Tom sat there with raised eyebrows making furrows in his forehead to signal his opinion of her measly offer.

"Fine, three more spoonfuls and that's final," she threw in.

"Agreed," he accepted.

Tom's ability to bounce back was one of his greatest strengths. The fact that he had given in so quickly confirmed Kathryn's suspicion that he was tiring and that it was time to call B'Elanna. "I think you should tell B'Elanna that you're ready to go back to your quarters," she said firmly, giving no indication that she was interested in entertaining a different opinion.

"Yeah, I guess you're right," Tom agreed. He tapped his comm badge to hail B'Elanna. "Paris to Torres."

"Torres here," she answered formally. Tom's use of their last names told her that he was not alone.

Tom smiled at the Captain to warn her that he wasn't going to be serious. She smiled too and sat back in her chair, giving him a certain symbolic privacy.

"Is the taxi ready, Lieutenant? I think I'm ready for that ride back to my quarters."

"On my way," B'Elanna replied, not rising to the bait.

True to her word, the Captain swallowed three more spoonfuls of soup. Then she and Tom chatted comfortably until B'Elanna arrived.

"Thanks for the company, Captain," Tom said when he was ready to leave.

"You're welcome, Tom. It was good to talk with you."

"Come on, Tom." B'Elanna said, holding his arm. "Let me help you up."

"I'm fine, B'Elanna," he protested politely, but with no sign of backing down. "I can stand up by myself." He took his arm back to show that he meant business.

B'Elanna appeared to accept this calmly. However, anyone who knew her would notice the telltale tightness around her mouth that indicated disapproval. She accepted that there was no point arguing with Tom, and stepped back out of the way, close enough to reach him if he didn't make it all the way up on his own.

Tom slowly and carefully pushed himself to his feet, only using the back of the chair at the end to steady his balance. He smiled, a bit too brightly, at B'Elanna and the Captain. "There, see? I told you I could do it." Then he admitted more candidly, "I think I may have been sitting up too long though."

B'Elanna took up a position on one side of him and grasped his arm again, this time more firmly. Tom glanced down at her. The expression in her eyes told him that he had no chance of winning this one. When Harry showed up, apparently out of nowhere, just in time to walk on his other side, he knew better than to even try.

B'Elanna nodded good-bye to the Captain. The Captain nodded in return. Then she took her mug and started across the mess hall to the table where Commander Chakotay was sitting. Behind her, she could hear bits of conversation from Tom, B'Elanna and Harry as they made their exit.

"So," Harry began, "did I miss much?"

"Not at all, Harry," B'Elanna answered. "We're just taking Tom back to his quarters so he can get some rest."

"My quarters!" Tom protested lightly. "I thought we were going to Sandrine's so I can challenge Harry to a game of pool."

"Yeah, right!" was the last remark the Captain heard from B'Elanna before the mess hall doors closed behind them.

The End


End file.
